Monster's Life III
by The Skeleton King
Summary: The Club of Puncturing. My first attempt at chaptering. Please review. NEW!! Chapter III!!! You can stop pining!
1. The Beginning

Disclaimer: I do not own Diablo, Diablo II, Microsoft, Pizza Hut, or anything else that is aiding me in the creation of this story. Diablo and Diablo II are property of Blizzard, Microsoft is property of Bill Gates, and Pizza Hut is property of...........Pizza Hut. So yeah.  
  
  
A Monster's Life III  
  
I had been promoted. It wasn't much of a promotion. Kind of a desk job, really. At least the pay was better. Diablo was an ok boss, I guess. Not like Sephiroth in Final Fantasy VII. I heard that the best thing anyone in his army ever got was a Four Slots armlet. And they were terribly rusty, also. Of course, now that I think about it, the best thing that anyone got in Diablo's army was a Split Skull Shield, and those suck. Hey, now that I think about it, Diablo is a sucky boss. I would much rather work under Sephiroth. Then at least my talents wouldn't go to waste with a desk job. I wonder what part I'd be in.. Maybe the Northern Crater? Yeah. You all agree that I could be in the Northern Crater, right? Oh...you don't. The First Reactor! WHAT?! No way would I be in the first reactor! Oh well. Not like I'm supposed to talk about FF7. I'm supposed to be telling you about my job behind a desk.  
Ok. Well, my job was to recruit new demons into the army, seeing as how Phil the Warrior had made several species of demon extinct, such as the Fallen. Purafat was the last of their kind. And I DID NOT get Purafat confused with Pukerat! Anyway, I sat down behind my desk, all Glorious and ready for battle with my huge sword, Split Skull Shield, which I realized sucked after I was on the internet and saw that it gave 10 armor. Yes, I have a computer. Anyway, I was all Glorious and ready for battle with my huge sword, sucky but cool looking Split Skull Shield, and Full Plate. And yet I was behind a desk, interviewing a large, purple rubber duck.  
"Now, what do you do?", I asked him.  
"I make an incredibly loud and annoying screech, that can split eardrums. Wanna hear it!?", he excitedly asked.  
"No, I'd rath-"  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  
EE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
"Ow." I recall that the ringing didn't stop until a few hours later.  
"Next.", I groaned. A large clown walked in. I groaned again. It was gonna be a long day.  
I was walking back to my apartment, eardrums broken, drenched with seltzer, partially painted orange, and with the phrase "All your base are belong to us" stuck in my head. I walked past some doors, slightly amused with the names.   
"Department of Redunduncy Department.", I said out loud. Then I shrugged and hurried back home. I was eager to go to bed.  
I hopped into a shower, and washed off all the orange paint. I turned on some music to get rid of the grammatically incorrect phrase pounding in my brain. I flopped down on the couch to alleviate my stress and tiredness. I turned on the TV. The weather was on. The anchor seemed to just be closing his eyes, pointing to a random spot, and going "Uhh....its gonna be really cold here."  
I woke up late for work. Diablo was gonna be pissed. I hurried to my building, and found that it was a smoldering heap of ashes. Internally, I rejoiced. Externally, I appeared distraught.  
"I'm sorry, Zax. It was all destroyed by a Deathshade Fleshmaul bomb.", Diablo said, shaking his head sadly.  
"Ohh....That sucks.", I said, internally bursting with glee.  
"Yeah. And even worse news: That big purple duck, the giant clown, the painting guy, and the "All your base are belong to us" guy, they were all in the building when it blew.", Diablo said, even sdder. I had to crush my nuts between my legs to keep from letting my joy show externally. I then turned around. I noticed that Diablo was still in his pajamas. He had a light blue top and bottom, and moogle slippers. On his left arm, Steinivotchski was hanging.  
"Diablo, Steinivotchski, I understand. But moogle slippers? Wrong game there.", I said.  
"They were a gift from Sephiroth at the 12th Annual Evil Guy Party!", he almost yelled.  
"What'd you give him?", I asked.  
"A bunch of Gargoyles.", he replied.  
"I....see.", I re-replied.  
"Well, the destruction of your building means you're demoted, and you're back at your old post.", Diablo said. I blew up with joy, and started laughing.  
"Yayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayay!!!!!", I screamed, bouncing up and down.  
"Calm down, man!", Diablo urged. And I did. At least externally.  
  
Thus ends the short lived career of Zax the Bureucrat, and the new genesis of Zax the Blood Knight.  
  
Phil the Warrior was walking down the street, mumbling to himself.  
"I dont believe it. I get a Deathshade Fleshmaul. I find an important looking building. So what do I do? I blow up the important looking building. And then it turns out that I just killed a bunch of bureucrats and wannabe demons.", he angrily muttered. He walked up to Farnham.  
"Gimme that!!", Phil said, yanking away Farnham's tankard. Farnham gasped, then broke into tears.  
"Meanie!", he screamed, then ran away, bawling his eyes out. Phil took a drink from the Tankard. It was full of White Wine Spritzer.  
"Man.....Farnham must have a really low tolerance to alcohol.", Phil said."Dammit, I need a quest!" Just then Cain walked up.  
"You can find the legendary item, the Club of Puncturing.", he said. Phil appeared confused.  
"Yes, exactly. See, how can a club puncture? It's a piece of wood. I know your questions.", Cain said.  
"No, I was more confused that you could actually walk. You seem glued to that spot in front of the fountain. Even during the tainted water quest. That water smelled horrible.", Phil said.  
"Oh....", Cain responded.  
"Now what about this club?", Phil asked.  
"Oh, yes. It's a club, and it punctures.", Cain said.  
"Lay off the black mushrooms there, Cain....", Phil said.  
"NO! It exists! Besides....black mushrooms free me from this plane of existence for a period of time.", Cain responded.  
"Yeaaaah.......................Are you sure it isn't a spiked club?", Phil asked  
"NO! It is a piece of wood that can puncture!", Cain screamed.  
"Wait.....Puncturing......isn't that only in Diablo 2?", Phil asked.  
"Ummm.....it......might......be....", Cain said. Then he ran off.  
"Ok, that was odd.", Phil said to himself. Then something popped up under his feet. Phil looked down and read.  
"Quest....Log.", Phil read aloud. Then he kicked it, and to the left of him, a big box popped up. Phil read that, too.  
"The quest for the Club of Puncturing. Wait....that means its real! NOOOOO!!!!!", he screamed. Then he ran to Pepin. A box appeared over Pepin's head. (Author's note: Does it appear over their heads in Diablo 1? I haven't played it in a while. Correct me if I'm wrong.) It read: Talk: Gossip, Club of Puncturing.  
"Dammit....hey Pepin, have you heard of a club of puncturing?", Phil asked.  
"A club that punctures? How can that exist, I mean, it just.......AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!", Pepin screamed. Then he tore out some hair and jumped into the crack behind his house, where Zax hacked him to pieces.  
"Cool, I broke his brain.....so he did know about the crack behind his house.", Phil said. Then he shrugged and walked off to the labyrinth.  
"ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAX!!!!!!!", Diablo bellowed.  
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????", I screamed back.  
"Did you hack up Pepin, then throw the corpse into a cauldron, which let out a Nova spell that killed an entire squad of Blood Knights?", he asked.  
"...........I.......might have....", I replied.  
"GAAAAH!!!", he screamed.  
"You're still wearing your moogle slippers.", I pointed out to him.  
"I know, they're comfy. Now, about your punishment.....", he started. Then we heard the timkling music of...........the ice cream man."ICE CREAM MAN!!!!!", he screamed, then ran after it.  
"So....what were we talking about?", Diablo asked, sucking on his Big Red popsicle.  
"Uhhh....the time you beat jury duty.", I responded, licking my Astro Pop.  
"Oh...you see....the trick is to tell them you're prejudiced against all races.", he said, giggling.  
"Ingenious.", I responded, nodding and thanking my lucky stars that Diablo was such an idiot. Diablo got up.  
"Our inside guy says Phil the Warrior is looking for an item of legendary power and mysticism.", he said.  
"Oh, the club of puncturing? Pepin was talking about that before....um............he got........hey, look over there!", I yelled, because in midsentence, Diablo stared at me angrily. Diablo looked away, and I ran.  
*Nightime*  
"I don't see anything. What did you see, Zax? ......Zax? Zax!", Diablo yelled. He was about to turn around, but he thought. "If I turn around, I might miss what Zax wanted to show me." So he did not turn around. 


	2. The Monster NPCs

  
  
Chapter II   
  
  
When we last saw our intrepid heros, they were searching for the Club of Puncturing! A two foot long piece of blunt wood, capable of punching holes through humans and armor....go figure.  
Damien and I were sitting in the conference room, waiting for Diablo to show up. It had been six days since I told him I killed Pepin. He finally ran in, his face........a deeper red than usual.  
"Hey, ah, Zax, I didn't see that thing you saw! What was it?", Diablo asked.  
"Ummm.....a UFO.", I replied.  
"What's a UFO?", Diablo asked.  
"It's a thing....that aliens fly around in. It stands for Unidentified Flying Object.", Damien replied.  
"We need one of those! The Butcher, order us a QFO!", Diablo said!  
"Erm, thats UFO.......", I said.  
"Whatever.", Diablo said. The Butcher typed it onto the agenda for later.  
"Waitaminit, didn't Farnham kill the butcher 2 weeks ago?", Damien asked.  
"I stapled him back together. I felt he was necessary.", The Skeleton King said.  
"Oh, cause I was wondering what this metal dealie in his side was.", I said, reaching for it.  
"NOOOO!!!!!", The Butcher screamed as I yanked it out. Then his torso fell to the floor.  
"Goddammit, Zax! You made me waste a staple!", The Skeleton King yelled.  
  
Suddenly, that thing in movies that happens when the film runs off the projector or whatever happens! Cut to a 14 year old boy typing on his gay ass computer. The boy is wearing one of those stupid Burger King crowns, with Burger King crossed out, and The Skeleton King written in its place. The boy looks up on top of his moniter, to show a sock monkey dressed as a viking.  
"Well, Thor....What should I write now?", the boy asks the monkey. As usual, Thor is unresponsive. Just then, the boy got the idea to be incredibly lazy in his fanfics!  
"I know! I'll write them as if they were a movie script!", the boy cried out. Then he laughed evilly to himself. "Fanfiction.Net will never know what hit it! Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!"  
  
And now, back to our regularly scheduled Fanfiction.  
  
Butcher: You know, I'm not too comfortable here on the floor, with all my blood leaking out.  
  
Just then, the boy decided he didn't like this version, and returned back to his original style, after adjusting his paper crown.  
  
"Yeah, no one cares at all.", Damien said.  
"I care!", The Skeleton King said.  
"Shut up! All of you!", Diablo yelled, then did the Super Spifferific Apoc attack on the top half of the Butcher. The charred corpse coughed out some smoke, then died and his soul went to level 16. (Come on! I mean, if level 14-16 is hell, then you're gonna have to fight every monster you already fought, or something like that...)  
Banghead Boneshield cried out, "Oh my god! You killed the Butcher!", then Diablo fried him. And Banghead Boneshield, too, went to level 16. I looked down to see El Chupacabras gnawing on the Butcher's remains.  
"Oh dear god....", I groaned.  
  
Phil the Warrior wandered through the earlier levels, where he figured he would most likely find a club. Then he ran into Snotspill.  
"Do you have a club that can puncture stuff?", Phil asked.  
"What? A puncturing club? The very idea is just-Gah!!! I need my sign back!!", Snotspill cried.  
"What, this sign?", Phil said, producing Ogden's sign.  
"Yayayayayay!!!!!!", Snotspill cried grabbing at it.  
"Nope, I'll give it to you if you can tell me where to find the club.", Phil said.  
"Deal!", Snotspill cried, taking the sign.  
"Good, now where's the club?", Phil asked.  
"What club?", Snotspill asked.  
"The Club of Puncturing.", Phil said.  
"WHAT?! A club that can puncture?! That's insane!! I mean, GAH!!!", Snotspill screamed, then proceeded to beat himself to death with the sign. 1 minute later, Phil stood over Snotspill's corpse.  
"Damn, there goes my lead. Note to self....mentioning the Club of Puncturing makes people go insane...", he said. Then he wandered down into the recesses of hell.  
In hell, Phil spotted Lachdanen.  
"Hey, that guy's already a nutjob. I bet I can talk to him about it.", he said, then walked up to Lachdanen.  
"Have you found my potion? I'm a pathetic loser, and I want to die, and I don't know how to use this sword I'm holding, cause I'm a big stupid lame-o!!", he asked.  
"Actually, Lachdanen, I need to ask you about the Club of Puncturing...", Phil started. Upon speaking those words, a loud bang was heard from inside Lachdanen's helmet. Then he toppled over. Phil pulled off Lachdanen's helm, and red goo poured out.  
"Ah, dammit! I'm killing all the monster NPC's!!! Ok, that leaves....Gharbad the Weak, and Zhar the Mad...I'll go talk to Zhar..", Phil walked off.  
"Hey Zhar have you heard of a Club of Puncuring?", Phil asked.  
"Yes, I have, it's in this book.....heheh...", Zhar said, handing a book to Phil.  
"YOU HAVE TOUCHED THE BOOK!!!!! NOW YOU DIE!!!", Zhar screamed, attacking Phil. Phil killed him in one hit.  
"Freakin' NPC Freak-o..", Phil mumbled to himself, as he walked off to seek Gharbad.  
"Hey Gharbad, have you seen or heard of a Club of Puncturing?", Phil asked, holding up his shield to block flying gray matter.  
"Yeah, I have, I'm making one now, as a matter of fact.", Gharbad replied.  
"COOL! Can I have it?!", Phil asked.  
"Sure, but you have to kill me.......", Gharbad said. Before Gharbad got out another word, his head was on the floor, and Phil was sheathing his sword.  
"HAHA! Stupid Goatman!", Phil said. Phil pulled a club off of Gharbad, but upon wasting a scroll of identify on it, it turned out to just be a normal Club.  
"AGH! GOD-DAMN-YOU-GHAR-BAD!!!", he yelled, kicking Gharbad at every syllable. "This sucks! There's no more monster NPC's, and I still don't know where the Club is!", he yelled into the dungeon. Then he stormed back up to town.  
  
Back on the our side, we were having all the monster deaths caused by Phil that day reported to us.  
"One Snotspill, Gharbad the Weak, Zhar the Mad, Lachdanen, 43 Fallen Ones, 22 Zombies, 12 Black Knights, 17 Succubi, 13 Advocates, 80458 Scavengers.", a familiar read."Wow, that's a lot.......", Diablo said.  
"We need a way to end this chapter. The author is tired, and wants to play Diaspora.", I said.  
Just then, a weird and cheesy narrarator voice cut in.  
"This concludes chapter 2!! Will Phil find someone who can surivive for more than 5 minutes after hearing about the Club of Puncturing? You know, A club that punctures is just a weird and stupid thing, I mean, it doesn't make sense!! I mean-GAH!!!!" Just then, Everyone in the board room heard a loud explosion, as the narrarator's head exploded.  
  
Author's Note: Its 12:30, I want to play Diaspora, and my dad'll get mad at me if I stay up to long. I want to win the award as the Fanfiction.Net writer who's killed off more character's than anyone else. And i'm not counting those fics about war games, where like, 103432822312 people can die in one sentence. So nix on Starcraft.  
  



	3. The Fight, The Finding

Monster's Life 3- Chapter 3  
  
Where we last left off, Phil was killing Monsters left and right with the Club of Puncturing, and yet he was still no closer to finding it.  
  
Phil had unfortuneately learned to use the club's power to his advantage. He strode through hell, using it left and right. A group of Balrogs charged him, intent on killing him and eating his delicious body.  
  
"RARGH! Pitiful human! Prepare to taste-", they shouted.  
  
"Club that Punctures.", Phil interjected. The demons began exploding one by one.  
  
"The pain! THE PAIN!!!", one screamed as his head pulsed and detonated. Phil cheerfully whistled a merry tune as he moseyed through the volatile monsters.  
  
Back on level 17, Diablo was thumbing through reports. He removed his glasses and peered at Damien and Me.  
  
"So...this Phil person is killing everything, without even drawing his sword?", he asked. We nodded.  
  
"He was even as audacious as to clear out level 14 wearing his underwear and covered head to toe in steak sauce.", Damien said. Diablo leaned back in his chair and licked his lips.  
  
"Mmm...human.", he said slowly, obviously fantasizing eating Phil. Then he accidentally caught his tongue on one of his numerous face horns.  
  
"Ah! Oh, the Pain!! Make it sthop!!!"(Stick your tongue out and read this line aloud), he screamed. He tried prying it off the spike, but ended up mangling his tongue even more on his arm spikes. "Sthweet Merthiful Crap, thith ith painful!!!" Just then a hacked amazon popped in.  
  
"Did someone say 'Ith'? I've got Pskulls and SoJ's!", she asked. We stared at her, then she slowly backed away.  
  
"HELP ME!!!", Diablo yelled. In a fit of desperation, Damien and I sliced off his body horns. When we were done, we panted and looked back. Diablo cowered and screamed.  
  
"Don't look at me, Don't look at meeeeeee!!!" He ran into his room. Damien and I looked at each other, and Diablo came back out wearing robes. His eyes were tearing up.  
  
"Get Phil...and bring him to me!!", he choked out. We nodded and ran up the stairs.  
  
The stairs came up to a cauldron in Level 15. We had hid the stairs in the Cauldrons because everyone's too chicken to open them. I swung open the lid and hopped out. Damien followed in suit shortly thereafter. We saw Phil rounding the corner. He was dressed in his full battle regalia. Damien slammed the Cauldron shut. Phil stared at us for a second, and we stared him back. The air was so thick with impending combat that people were setting up seats. I stepped towards him with my friggin' big sword out. He stepped towards me with his kinda big but still not as big as mine sword out. I looked down at him through my helmet visors.  
  
"Thats an awfully puny sword compared to mine.", I jeered.  
  
"Its not the size, its how you use it.", Phil countered.  
  
"I'm sorry, I can't help the size of my sword. It's merely proportional to my body size.", I counter-countered. Phil looked defeated for a second, then went through an intricate series of complex motions with his sword. I merely laughed, then went through a series even more intricate and complex than his. His eyes flared and he stared it me, his eyes firing daggers of hate.  
  
"You know, that can't be healthy for your vision.", I said, brushing the daggers out of my chestplate. "Face it Phil. I'm better than you. I'm bigger, I'm stronger, my sword is bigger, and I can swing my sword fancier than you." Phil picked up a rock and threw it at my head. It connected, knocking one of the horns off and sending me spinning to the ground, landing with a dull thud and a couple clanks.  
  
"Wow, nice throw...", Damien said, awed.  
  
"Indeed. I trained with the Intafada, you know.", Phil beamed.  
  
"You bastard! That was my favorite horn! I'll kill you!", I yelled. We charged each other.  
  
Diablo was sitting on the couch on his room, watching TV with the robes wrapped tightly around him. There came a knock on the door.  
  
"Go away! You can't see me like this!!", he sobbed.  
  
"But...I brought the pizza-", a voice started.  
  
"Go away!!!...but leave the pizza.", Diablo screamed. There was a rustling then a quick patter of feet. Diablo went out and got the pizza. The he disrobed and stood in front of the mirror, touching his horn nubs as if they pained him.  
  
"Look at you...you used to be so....so magnificent, so pointy....now what are you? You're a bumpy red thing covered in nubs. What happened man!? Where did we go wrong?" Diablo cried. Then he ate the pizza in one bite.   
  
Phil was indeed a clever opponent. His swordplay was almost as good as mine. Every attack I made, he blocked. Every attack he made, I blocked. Our swords clanged together every second, and every strike either of us scored was turned aside by our armor. We battled everywhere around the level. With my superior strength I forced him up the stairs. The fight carried on everywhere. We went into the Chamber of Bone, through Leoric's Tomb, over his couch where he was watching skeleton porn, or something. We carried the skirmish into the Hall of the Blind, where our missed swings hacked up those invisible bastards. I forced him back up into town, and we laid waste to the houses. We reversed and went down the stairs into hell, where we found it. Sitting on a pedestal, there it was. The Club of Puncturing. We had finally found it. Damien found our position and rushed to my side. Phil turned.  
  
"Thanks for leading me here!", he laughed, then ran for the Club.  
  
"You'll get it when I'm in hell!", I shouted, rushing after him.  
  
"We ARE in hell!", Phil pointed out. I tackled him shortly before the pedestal.  
  
"Club that punctures, club that punctures, club that punctures!!", Phil rambled, beating my with the hilt of his sword. My head started to hurt, but I shook it away. I had a job to do. Damien lunged for the club, but Phil grabbed his leg and he fell short. His face collided with the stem of the pedestal, knocking it forward. The club fell into Phil's hand. He swung it in a wide arc, but I ducked under it. Damien rose to his feet and charged Phil, his sword up for a bisecting strike. Expertly, Phil swung the club, connecting with Damien's chest. He flew backwards, and struck the wall, a large hole blown in his Breastplate. Phil threw his sword away, instead wielding the club as if it were a sword. I figured that would be a mistake, so when he swung, I blocked it with the flat of my blade. There was a bang and the top half of my sword spun away.  
  
"Not so big now are you?", Phil mocked. He swung the club down. I brought my shield up to block it, but the Club punctured through and struck me on my helm. The energy that punctured through destroyed my eye.  
  
"Damn! My precious eyemeat!", I yowled. I fell back, and put my hand up to my face. Phil stepped up to me, and brought his club up for a killing blow....  
  
That's the end of chapter three! 


End file.
